Saturday, February 8

This is probably going to be a long post...just to warn you.

It's been almost two months now. It certainly hasn't seemed that way. I've been to three memorial services, cried more times than I care to remember and missed them every. single. day. I'm really not sure where to start, so I suppose I'll just start at the beginning. It occurs to me that my last posts didn't give really much information..not that it entirely matters, as most of you that read this know who they were anyway. For those who don't, there's certain sections of my site (that aren't finished) for the work of Erin/Alithiel. That was her. And her little sister and her little brother. Erin was the third oldest of her family. She had five siblings. I was thinking of it after the accident and realized there's probably five people I considered to be my best friends. Erin, Andrea (her little sister), Leanne (Erin's other sister), Dina and Ari. Guess I've got three now.
It was awkward. A day or so after, even a few weeks after, I kept thinking I would see them. Even at the funeral there would be one person who I'd see from behind and I just thought it would be Erin. After all, her family was there, she must have been too, right? Anyway, there were three memorial services, like I said. The first was a public service held at my high school. Erin and Andrea and Rob didn't attend the high school, Erin had last year before she went to college, and Andrea and Robbie were still in Jr. High. I guess they held it there because it was bigger than the Jr. High. I arrived there around two o'clock to help set up and while I had been doing so I looked to my right and there they were. I hadn't realized it was going to be an open casket and I couldn't bring myself to go up to them and see them until around seven o'clock.
It was hard. It was really hard.
I think it was Leanne's who said they had to do some reconstruction on the face. They still looked beautiful. They were always beautiful.
The next morning (Jan. 1) was the private funeral for family and friends. The family asked me to be a pallbearer for Andrea. I don't think anything really hit me until the priest was saying the 'earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust' bit...
There was one cute bit, that made me laugh at that service. There was a television set up, that the pastor had put out. I guess a few years back, the church had interviewed different families of the congregation and there was a little excerpt from the Kluk's; Erin was talking. She was saying how faith changes when a person gets older. A person could go from such a strong, healthy faith as a child and that it's only when one grows up that they begin to question their faith. She laughed then, her eyes lighting up the way only hers could when she laughed and she then said she recalled a sermon the pastor had given about how Jesus could come at -any time- and (I quote) "So I went home and cleaned my room."
Brian and Dan, Erin's two older brothers, gave lovely speeches that day too. I think I'll remember Brian's the most though. He began by talking about Erin, and how she'd always draw and write, and then another thought would come into her head and she'd abandon the first and move on to the next, leaving in her wake a multitude of unfinished projects. And how she could create such life and beauty in her art and writing so whenever he saw a rainbow he'd always think of her, and imagine she was having an ambitious day. He then recalled a friend of his who wasn't upset when her date had given her a plant instead of flowers one time, insisting she liked them better since they didn't die as quickly as flowers did. He said he was a little astonished by this and had to take time to think about it, but the next time he saw her he took her aside and told her his reasoning. He said that flowers were something special, and yes, they did die quickly, but that brief beauty was what made them special. Something to be cherished for the short time they were there. Andrea was a flower, he said. I agreed.
I know I haven't talked about her much in this journal, but she was one of the most amazing people I've ever and probably will ever, know. In all truth, I didn't really know her that long; no more than two years. Isn't it usually the case, though, that even if you know someone for a few months even there's something about them you dislike, or just a tiny little thing about them that irks you? I can't think of one bad memory of Andrea. She was so sweet. I remember going over to their house and I'd be sitting out on the couch, talking with Erin, and Andrea would come out and just smile at me and sit next to me and give me a hug. No one's ever done that to me. No one. And I don't even think it's registered that she's gone yet. It seems every time I dwell on what happens it's Erin I think of. But, I just know, one night I'm going to be sitting there and it's going to hit me, and it's going to hit me hard. Someone else said it best at the memorial at the high school: Andrea was an angel.
I didn't know Robbie too well and I won't pretend that I did. He was my friends' little brother. I feel bad, though, sometimes, for not missing him more...
The last service was at Beloit, Erin's college. I travelled the five hour trip with the Kluk family, san Dan, who had to go back to college a week or so earlier. It was...nice...to see all of the friend's Erin had made during her short time there. There were a lot of stories about her; it was nice.

I guess things have just been hazy for a while...My Spanish teacher told me to just take it one day at a time. I'm not entirely sure I agree with that advice. I think I need to take it a week, or month at a time. Day by day becomes too much. I need to clump it all together, otherwise it becomes a bit too much, and I eventually just look at the day and think, has this really been worth it? But suicide hasn't even crossed my mind, and that period of time, years ago, seem so stupid and selfish. I could never do that to people; could never just leave them to pick up the pieces and miss me, no matter how few of them there would be. The thing is, the friends I have, I cherish. I love them more than my own life, and any happiness I can give them means more to me than anything. I hope they know I love them and that I love them dearly.
As a final statment- There was a note, that Andrea had in her pocket that they found at the scene. It said-

Note to self: Remember to always say 'I love you' to those you care about.

Tell your friends that today. Tell them that tomorrow and the day after that. Cherish your time with them and don't let little quarrels come between you, they've meaninless in retrospect and you never know when the Lord decides your time has come. I'm glad that the last thing I did to both Erin and Andrea was give them a big hug and wish them a merry Christmas, but I wish I had told them I loved them. I hope, and I think, they knew I loved them.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 08:54 p.m.

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Saturday, December 28

Two of my best friends died yesterday afternoon. Know that they're with the Lord now and please pray for the comfort of their family. Thank you.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 05:43 p.m.

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Tuesday, December 24

Oi, Ari! I meant to sent you that mug last Christmas. Then I forgot. So I was going to send it last year for your Birthday. Then I forgot. Then I was going to bring it on the plane. Yep, forgot then too. So the damn thing just loves me or something, doesn't wish to leave. But now I think it'll like you now that e's met you. Shy you see.
Again, to Ari-
The -oddest- thing happened last night. Right after I signed off and you told me to go rent Die Hard to see Alan I walk into the living room and plop down on the couch next to Dad and all of a sudden my brain goes "Hey. That voice sounds familiar. Sexy beast?" Indeed it was! There sat Alan in all his Hans Gruber glory, only half an hour into Die Hard. So I squealed and turned it up and merrily watched Alan all night. T'was fun.
Blarg, I've still got to work Christmas day. Bloody hell! I say if you forget the damn egg nog it's your own damn fault. Our. Store. Shouldn't. Be. OPEN. Fuck it, I'm quitting on the 30th. The owner knows this. If he schedules me for the 31st I'm just -not- coming in. :)
Quitting my job puts me in a wonderfully good mood this Christmas time. *jigs*

---Fox messed with your mind @ 11:12 a.m.

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Wednesday, December 11

Stolen from Ari's Journal
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"This Christmas, for the whole earth I wish for world peace, and to end hunger. *pause*
If that don't work, I want strong liquor and porn."

Amen, my sistah. Amen.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 03:18 p.m.

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Tuesday, December 10

Things I hate:
AP Biology (more so, not knowing what the heck is going on in AP biology)
Birthdays
Work
Algebra
The fact that a part of my school day is based off a television game show
Said television game show
Having to miss art club to study for AP bio
Work
Work
The satan children statues my mum picked up when I didn't go shopping with her
Work

Things I like:
...uh, Bono?
Cheese is pretty tasty
Ari
Dina
Anything Harry Potter related
Ari
French vanilla hot chocolate
Definately Ari

I'm gonna go be angsty now.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 03:14 p.m.

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Tuesday, December 3

>D

And now for random fun with Ari!
-----------
SpideyzGirl34: shit shit shit we gotta plan to get to the premier of azkaban. we'll both be in college by then
Hunter deCarabas: FUCK YES
Hunter deCarabas: I don't care if they kick me out
Hunter deCarabas: of college I mean
Hunter deCarabas: for missing classes to go stand in line
SpideyzGirl34: we'll take a weeks break
SpideyzGirl34: with our scarves and your blanket
SpideyzGirl34: chanting our hero's names until they beat our fucking asses
Hunter deCarabas: leave a little note on the dorm room door "Am in Heaven. BBS."
Hunter deCarabas: yes
Hunter deCarabas: make shirts
Hunter deCarabas: "Just let me in."
SpideyzGirl34: "Just Let Me In Fuckit"
Hunter deCarabas: honestly....if I got close enough to meet whoever the hell's going to play Lupin...I'd just cry in joy
SpideyzGirl34: i'd be arrested
Hunter deCarabas: oh fuck, me to
Hunter deCarabas: in about eight seconds
SpideyzGirl34: 6
Hunter deCarabas: mm, perhaps...
Hunter deCarabas: 3 maybe
SpideyzGirl34: three seconds for lovingly dry-humping Lupin
Hunter deCarabas: LOL
Hunter deCarabas: "but...I thought you'd like it?"
SpideyzGirl34: two for stripping in font of him
SpideyzGirl34: one for shoving a dog biscuit in his mouth while lovingly dry-humping
Hunter deCarabas: with leash
Hunter deCarabas: can't forget the leash
SpideyzGirl34: woof
Hunter deCarabas: get Black in there too
Hunter deCarabas: lovely little threesome
SpideyzGirl34: as long as i get mine
Hunter deCarabas: you can have your little orgy with Ron and Harry
Hunter deCarabas: We'll fight for Snape...but I'll win
SpideyzGirl34: yesssss
SpideyzGirl34: we will?
Hunter deCarabas: less you want to skip the bloody cat fight and just let me screw him? ^_^
SpideyzGirl34: sure but i get lupin when you're done
Hunter deCarabas: Oh...I won't be done
SpideyzGirl34: or we could hell with that and fight eachother to a bloody pulp Brad Pitt style
Hunter deCarabas: "I want you to hit me as hard as you can!"
SpideyzGirl34: Bitch Fight Club it is

---Fox messed with your mind @ 08:51 p.m.

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Monday, December 2

Which Alan Rickman Character Are You?

Hot damn.
And B-day in five days. *Has already obtained self-b-day present in the form of little Snape action figure* Ah love him so.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 11:04 p.m.

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Saturday, November 23

Go here. I'm working on a grad standard for sculpture class and this man just saved me from butchering it and making stuff up since it's damn near impossible to come up with artist's statments for mixed media...You wouldn't think it is, but oh...it is.
In other news, Michaels is a wonderful, but very evil store. I see shiny things and my hand reaches out for it and I stare at it for ten minutes and by then it's glued itself to me and I can't put it down. So I walk. And see more shiny things. Pick those up. Repeat. This goes on until I reach the check out counter. Then my money somehow disappears and this saddens me. But I have nifty things now. Not sure if I should be sad or incredibly happy. Perhaps a bit of both for now. :)
Ha. Saw Harry Potter again last night and dragged Andrea with me since the poor girl hadn't seen it yet. I missed the Snape/Lockhart dueling scene though. Infernal bladder.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 02:30 p.m.

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Tuesday, November 19

Don't even ask if I liked Chamber of Secrets. I'll hit you over the head with my fifteen pound AP Biology book and scream incoherantly about the wonderness of it while trying to think up words to describe my glee.
*sighs happily* Have I mentioned I love Remus Lupin? I do. I so do. I could just tackle him to the ground and lick his face before dragging him home and tying him up on my bed.
Not --in-- my bed though....
Not right away at least...
^.^
Anyway...I don't think there's possibly anything I'm looking forward to more than the next HP movie. Nothing. Not even a chocolate covered Sephiroth. Well, not by much at least.
Got to go hunting finally this year. *holds up a little banner that says "Death to Bambi" and waves it gleefully* Sadly I didn't see -anything-...except trees...and some deer poop. But no, nothing else. Dad got a two point and his friend shot an eight point. Which was kind of neat, but also completely ruined the second day since he spent the whole damn day tracking the bloody thing. e_e Ah well, still had a break from work. Oh yes! And I heard wolves. Lots of wolves. T'was nifty. :)
In artsy news I've not done anything either really. Sad, I know, but I think I may be coming out of my ruddy slump pretty soon. Just finished up a Potter pic with Siri and Lupin that only took nearly half a month, but I'm pretty pleased with it. Check it out. Tis shiny.
Just copy and paste the next line into a new window...
http://www.anzwers.org/free/nibelheim/flying.jpg
Mm, joined Art Club at school too and my friend Alan and I are going to do a Japanese landscape painting for one of the teacher's rooms. Should be fun.

---Fox messed with your mind @ 06:34 p.m.

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Thursday, November 14

BWEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!~ Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter!!!!!!!! *falls over, dead*

---Fox messed with your mind @ 04:37 p.m.

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Saturday, November 9

Am quite pleased to not be fired from work because of a bad slip up this past Thursday night that left me feeling so low that I had to come home early and ended up crying myself to sleep. Well...I take that back, I'm not fired yet, haven't talked to the owner yet, but he hasn't left a little memo to the managers saying "Fire Kellie!" So I think I shouldn't worry. Mum could care less though if I did, since it was an honest mistake and there's nothing I can really do about it now. I luv me mum.
In this moment of insanity I'd like to say...

Neener Neener Neener! I've got tickets to the midnight showing of Harry Potter! >D

*End Insanity*
I'm such a geekish fangirl ^_^ Currently I'm making a large maroon and gold blanket that I shall later adorn with the Gryffindor symbol and take with me to the showing. They didn't have any silver and green material otherwise I definately would have gone with Slytherin. *hugs her imaginary Snape plushy* My friend Rachel is coming with me too since we're both geeks and we're gonna get there at 9 o'clock and just -sit- until midnight when we shall kick any little kids who get in our way to find the best possible seats. It's going to be heaven. Heaven at the theatre.
I'm looking forward to seeing Gilderoy actually...hope he's interesing. Next year I'm going to get there at 6 o'clock and sit there..with or without a companion...dressed as Lupin...wrapped in my blanket. :) Chanting Lupin's name over and over until they let me in. Then I shall brutally beat anyone who gets in my way with my(most likely twig branch) wand. Life is fun when Potter's about.

There Ari, ye happy?
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SpideyzGirl34: "Lupin. Lupin. Lupin. Lupin. Lup..."
"SHUTUP!"
"Lupin. Lupin. Lupin. Lupin. Lupin."
"Pleeeease! *rips hair out* you've been going on for five hours!"
"Lupin. Lupin. Lupin. Lupin. Lupin."
"JESUS LET HER IN ALREADY!"

---Fox messed with your mind @ 10:51 p.m.

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